Alexis Journey

Our journey of faith: (April 1st – April 5th, 2004

(Mother of Alexis (stillborn 4/5/04), Savannah, Jadyn & Caleb

Thurs 4/1/04 – I was pregnant with my 2nd little girl.  Our toddler was 4 months shy of 2 years old.  I was 6 months pregnant and had not felt fetal movement the prior day, so I went to see the doctor at 10:30am.  My doctor was off for the day so I laid there nervously waiting while 2 assistants & the doctor on duty checked for the baby’s heartbeat with the Doppler.   We went to the ultrasound room & the doctor on duty hooked up the ultrasound.  There was no heartbeat.  My doctor came in (on her day off) & confirmed the worst.  The baby’s heart was no longer beating.  My doctor prayed for me & told me how sorry she was.  She helped me plan for delivery the next day.  Tim called & told our family & friends so people would pray for us from afar.  I made an appointment to go into the hospital & deliver on Fri 4/2 at 10am.  That night was the worst night of my life.  I got very little sleep & cried on-and-off all night long.  I was dreading the delivery & coming home with empty arms.

Fri 4/2/04 – A friend said she felt God wanted me to wait 3 days.  I initially felt that she didn’t understand what I was going through.  She didn’t know how hard that one day of waiting had been & there was no way I could wait one more.  But after talking to a few close friends, I knew I didn’t want to go through another night like the previous one but I also didn’t want to regret my decision for the rest of my life.  I decided I would rather risk one more rough night than a lifetime of regrets.  I decided to wait one more day & moved the delivery to Sat 4/3 at 9am.  I was to go in & have a device inserted into my cervix on Friday to start the dilation process so I was ready to go the next morning.  With much prayer & support from my friends, my faith was renewed.  My mindset changed from mourning to a feeling that God could bring Alexis back to life.   Tim & I worshipped God for the remainder of that day.  I opted out of the procedure to insert the device into my cervix that day.  Again, many prayed for us.  I slept really well that night.  I had a peace that passes all understanding.  It was a peace that comes from God alone.  I really felt that God could bring her back to life.

Sat 4/3/04 – That morning I had peace but I decided before I even went into the hospital that no matter what the ultrasound showed, I was NOT going to deliver that day.  I couldn’t chance missing the 3 days by one day.  What if she was alive on Wednesday but just didn’t move?  Then Thurs, Fri & Sat made three days.  The doctor said she would not recommend going longer than Monday for risk of infection or infertility for me.  We decided that sounded fair & we both had peace about going in on Monday for the delivery.  We knew that if God did not want us to go ahead with the delivery, He would let us know before Monday morning.  We spent the day with family & that evening we worshipped God alone as a couple & felt closer to God than ever before.  We knew He was with us.  There was no question in our minds.  We had done all that we could do & it was now up to God.  Our faith was renewed.

Sun 4/4/04 – We went to our AM & PM church services like usual.  At this point, our faith was tremendous.  We got great support from our church family.  The church came together in an amazing way.  People surrounded Tim & I & prayed for us.  I was not mourning; I knew God could bring her back.  We slept well that night.

Mon 4/5/04 – We went to the hospital at 7am.  The ultrasound showed no heartbeat.  God knew the master plan & He was in charge.  The doctor began the medication to dilate my cervix.   It took between 8 & 10 hours of waiting before I was dilated enough for her to break my water.  Contractions picked up very quickly & I delivered before the pain medication kicked in.  I was so focused on the contractions & delivery, that for an instant I forgot that our baby was not alive.  Once Alexis was born, Tim broke out in tears saying, “I’m so sorry!”  Reality hit me.  I couldn’t hold my tears back.   Tim cut the umbilical cord & they placed her on my stomach.  She was silently born at 7:57pm, weighed 1lb 15oz, & was 14 ¼ inches long.  The nurses took her & cleaned her up & took pictures & video for us while we cried together.   We didn’t realize how much these memories would mean to us later.  When they brought her back into the room she was in a tiny white gown & cap & we got to hold her in a basket.   We did not take her out of the basket because her skin was so delicate.  We cried together & spent time looking at her little toes & fingers, & then we let the nurses take her back out.  We now had to accept the reality that she was gone.  We had to plan for burial or cremation & decide if we wanted to do a service, etc.  This was more than either of us could handle but somehow we made it through.  It is amazing what God gets you through.  The hospital staff was wonderful at helping us create memories to remember Alexis.  These things were crucial in our healing process.  We may never understand why this happened, but we take comfort in knowing Alexis is now with the Lord.

My journal thoughts on April 7, 2004 –

God, I don’t understand why I have to go through this but I trust you will bring me through.  I miss my baby Alexis!  I never got to hug her or kiss her.   She was so delicate, her skin so sensitive.  It seems like I will never feel better.   God you seem silent so I go to your word for comfort & answers but I don’t know where to look.  I believed with all my heart that you would bring her back to life but you had other plans.  I can’t understand it all with my human mind.  I had so much peace through it all but once she was born silent, I can’t find comfort.  I keep seeing her lifeless body & know that just two days ago she was still in my womb.  Now I will never get to hold her again until the day I join her in heaven.  I want to rock her & nurse her, care for her & tend to her needs.  The many hours of labor didn’t seem worth the result.  My breasts are engorged & there is no little baby to feed.  I thank you that you love us & that you are faithful.  Please help me find comfort in this time of need.  In just three months she was going to join our family.  She was going to come home & meet her big sister Savannah.  Now she will never know her until they meet in heaven.  How will I go into the world & explain this to others.  I have no answer to why her heart stopped.  She was well then all of a sudden there was no heartbeat.  I will always remember her & love her.  I just hope she knows that.   Mommy & Daddy love you Alexis, & we miss you so much!

My journal thoughts on August 8, 2008 –

Reading over my journal entries, I can’t believe how far we have come.  For days after the loss, I thought about Alexis constantly.  The transition back to work & into public was very difficult.  I didn’t know how to explain how my belly shrunk yet I had no baby.  It was tough to be the Mother I needed to be for our other little girl.  Time has helped heal my wounds.  I still miss Alexis & see her in little details of our other children, or the way they hold their mouth.  She now has 2 sisters & a brother.  Our oldest daughter knows about Alexis.  The other 2 are a little young to understand yet.  But when the time is right, they will know about their “big” sister in heaven.  We have a keepsake box hanging in our living room with many items that commemorate Alexis’ birth. She will forever remain in our hearts & a part of our family.  4 years later, I still struggle when people ask me how many children I have.  Should I tell them the story or just say “3” & move on?   It depends on how I am feeling that day & who is asking.  But each day has gotten a little easier & my tears a lot fewer.   To this day I am so thankful that I waited 4 days before delivering our baby girl.  I needed that time to reach the place of peace with what had happened.  I fear if I had gone through with the delivery the morning after we found out, I would regret it still today.  God has brought us through, and our faith is stronger for it.


Alexis Song
to the music of “Come to Jesus the untitled hymn” by Chris Rice

The wonder of a child
In her mother’s womb
As parents we were overcome with joy
We gave thanks to Jesus
We gave thanks to Jesus
We gave thanks to Jesus for life

Wednesday there was no movement
From our little child
Thursday the baby’s heart refused to beat
We prayed to Jesus
We prayed to Jesus
We prayed to Jesus she’d live

The weekend was a journey
With God the leading one
He gave us peace and renewed our faith in Him
We drew close to Jesus
We drew close to Jesus
We drew close to Jesus and praised

Late on Monday evening
We delivered our silent child
She rests in peace and God is by her side
She went to Jesus
She went to Jesus
She went to Jesus our Lord

Sad and hurting parents
We lost our little child
But we don’t fret for God is on our side
We turn to Jesus
We turn to Jesus
We turn to Jesus for peace

With her final heartbeat
She kissed the world goodbye
She went in peace and brought our faith to life
We cling to Jesus
We cling to Jesus
We cling to Jesus for strength

She’s now with Jesus
She’s now with Jesus
She’s now with Jesus, our child

This entry was posted in Family Times, Inspirational Poems, Life Lessons (by way of trials), Parenting, Spiritual Lessons. Bookmark the permalink.

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